In a week, my street will again be closed to roll out the red carpet for the fan-voted CMT Music Awards, a night where the Average Joe decides who best expresses in musical form the malaise of a life of run-down trucks and sickly stray dogs.

While some will inevitably feel compassion for the stars who force artifical, botox-meliorated smiles along with polite claps when their rivals’ names are announced, my real concern is for the fans. As professors Steven Stack and Jim Gundlach reported in a study several years ago, listening to country music causes you to kill yourself:

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