Free!*
No money Down!*
Satisfaction Guaranteed!*
Those ubiquitous asterisks used to point to standard disclaimers about war, riots, or force majeure, but the small print at four point font now occupies tomes. There is a fine line between disclaimers, limitations, conditions, restrictions, and outright fraud. The following examples are nowhere near that line.
"Accident Forgiveness... Helps keep your rates from going up just because of an accident. Even if it’s your fault."
Fine print: "Safe Driving Bonus is based on eligible premium for prior policy period and won't apply after an accident."
[Allstate Auto Insurance]Translation: "We forgive you! (but you still pay)"
"You won’t find a more comprehensive price guarantee available on any other travel site today."
Fine print: "Expedia reserves the right in its sole discretion to modify or discontinue the Best Price Guarantee or to restrict its availability to any person, at any time, for any or no reason."
[Expedia]Translation: "We guarantee our prices! (unless we don't)"
"Unlimited nights and weekends. You never pay roaming or wireless long distance."
Fine print: "If your minutes of use ... exceeds your off-net usage allowance, AT&T may at its option terminate your service ... or change your plan to one imposing usage charges for off-net usage."
[AT&T Wireless]Translation: "Unlimited! (unless it is too much)"
"Genuine Steakhouse Brand steaks are 100% guaranteed fresh."
Fine print: "Restrictions apply. Please see store for details."
[Wal-Mart]Translation: This one is just scary. At best, it is 98% fresh?
"Think overnight, guaranteed with Express Mail"
Fine print: "Some restrictions apply, please check with your Post Office for details."
[US Postal Service]Translation: "We guarantee overnight! (which may take a few days)"
"When you make a reservation, we guarantee to provide you with the equipment size, location, and pickup time as agreed."
Fine print: "The rental location will contact you the day prior to your requested pickup date to schedule the equipment and actual pick up time, date and location."
[U-Haul]Translation: "Terms are guaranteed! (but changeable, by us)"
"Say goodbye to password hassles—now you can log on to your computer and your favorite Web sites with your fingerprint."
Fine print: "The Fingerprint Reader should not be used for protecting sensitive data ... use a strong password for these types of activities."
[Microsoft]Translation: "Avoids password hassles! (by not protecting anything)"
Have more examples? Post them below. I guarantee to read them!*"We have your size or its free. We guarantee to have your size in stock."
Fine print: "If we can't have it shipped into your local JCPenny store within 5 working days you will receive the pants FREE!"
[JCPenny] (via Mouse Print)Translation: "In stock now! (now = soon...ish)"
*Restrictions apply. Actual reading may not occur.
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2 comments:
U-haul - so true! When we moved to MI we got to the location only to find out that a) it was still closed and b) they didn't have a truck the size we had requested (they wanted us to drive a 26-ft truck!). We ended up being sent to another location where they actually gave us some "free" mileage and an extra day, you know, for the "inconvenience" (a word I hate more and more)
P.s. It was nice to see an update on this blog while browsing through my Google Reader this morning :)
On the other side of the proverbial coin, Amazon, as part of a settlement related to the 1984-book-deletion débâcle, clarified its previously *'d language regarding remote deletion of Amazon-purchased eBooks.
FTA:
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Amazon will not remotely delete or modify such Works from Devices purchased and being used in the United States unless (a) the user consents to such deletion or modification; (b) the user requests a refund for the Work or otherwise fails to pay for the Work (e.g., if a credit or debit card issuer declines to remit payment); (c) a judicial or regulatory order requires such deletion or modification; or (d) deletion or modification is reasonably necessary to protect the consumer or the operation of a Device or network through which the Device communicates (e.g., to remove harmful code embedded within a copy of a Work downloaded to a Device).
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Of course, part (D) is a nice little * in itself ...
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